One of the fundamental principles in Gestalt psychotherapy is Arnold Beisser's Paradoxical Theory of Change. It can be summed up like this: to change a situation, you must first fully accept it and let go of any intent to alter it. In terms
of personal growth, this means: if you want to change, begin by accepting yourself as you are.
It sounds contradictory, like saying, “if you want to speed up, slow down.” And, as with any paradox, it provokes a peculiar feeling—a kind of mental itch—especially when applied to one’s own life. “What do you mean, accept myself as I am? I’m telling you, I want to change!”
To illustrate this, consider a simple example
One fine morning, our protagonist wakes up and decides he needs to get out of the house and head to the nearest café for a coffee and croissant. He quickly plans his route and, without delay, strides confidently toward his goal. He moves with a brisk, purposeful gait, refusing to stop or get distracted. But after a while, he notices he hasn’t moved at all. Confused, he picks up the pace, walking faster. Yet still, he hasn’t budged an inch. Finally, he breaks into a run, only to realize he’s struggling to breathe—not from exertion, but because… he’s pressing his nose against a pillow. He forgot to get out of bed and has been trying to walk while lying on his back.
No matter how fast our protagonist moves or how hard he tries, he can’t reach the café. He’s in the wrong position for walking. His body is misaligned with his goal. Any method he uses to get to the café is doomed to fail because it’s out of sync with his current reality.
The key step he missed is accepting his present situation. And this is difficult for a few reasons.
Even in this simple case, it’s not immediately clear what exactly he needs to accept. Is it the fact that he isn’t moving? Or that he’s lying down? Most likely, the latter stems from the former, and recognizing it depends on his level of self-awareness.
There are also reasons he might resist acknowledging that he’s still in bed. Maybe he just really wants to sleep (who hasn’t dreamed, after the alarm goes off, that they’ve already turned it off and are getting ready for the day, only to wake up still in bed?). Or maybe he’s reluctant to face the fact that he just loves lying in bed, and hates himself for it.
In real life, moments of self-awareness and acceptance are much more challenging. Reality can be brutally unkind. A student dreaming of mastery may struggle to accept the long and difficult journey ahead. A woman suffering abuse may cover her bruises with makeup, trying to make it appear (for herself foremost) as if everything is fine. People who vote for one candidate often struggle to accept that just as many wish to give their vote for the other.
Probably the most difficult part of accepting the present state of affairs is the fear that it may never change. Sometimes, situations truly have no immediate solution. In our earlier example, the protagonist might realize he is permanently bedridden due to illness. This is a deeply painful truth. And yet, by going through the pain and accepting his situation, he can transform. Even if he can never take a step, he can reorient his life, set new goals, and find a different path forward.
So when one visits a therapist who subtly suggests that, instead of trying to change the situation, one might consider accepting it, it can feel almost mocking—especially since they never state it outright. However, the true intention behind this approach is to help you see that there may be aspects of the situation which you haven’t fully realised yet.
The more intriguing question that remains is: what can be done to help someone reach a place of acceptance?